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Our work lives are filled with busyness, distraction, procrastination, responding to messages, checking on messages, and getting lost down rabbit holes. We struggle to be mindful and to focus on our meaningful work. And yet, many of us want to create a life of meaning, focus, and mindfulness. We know this, and yet we struggle. Why? What keeps us from this life of mindful focus and meaningful work? In this guide, I’ll talk about why we get pulled away, and then how to bring mindfulness to the process to find focus and create an impact with your work. Why We Can’t Focus If you think about how you spent your last few days, most of us would say we’re more distracted than we like. We procrastinate more. Or we’re super busy, responding to a thousand things, making lots of decisions, and not very mindful during this chaotic work day. What’s going on? A number of things: OK, so it’s fear, uncertainty, discomfort, and pulled attention. How can we bring mindfulness to bear on these four horsepersons of distraction? Bring Mindfulness Into the Pitch Armed with the knowledge of why we’re not able to focus, we’re going to further arm ourselves with mindfulness and walk confidently into the arena of meaningful work. The first thing to acknowledge is that it’s OK to be afraid, OK to want to comfort yourself with easy tasks and distractions, OK to feel uncertainty. We’re not horrible people for being this way … we’re human. So we can look at our habits and smile on them with unconditional friendliness. Let’s practice mindfulness in our workday with a series of questions. QUESTION 1: What’s the best way to structure my day? In this inquiry, we’re wondering if it’s best to constantly switch from messaging app to messaging app, from email to social media, from news sites to blogs, from small admin tasks to other quick tasks … filling up our day and not focusing on our most meaningful work. In my own inquiry, it brings mindfulness to how I spend my time, how fragmented I allow my attention to be … and then it brings me to an intention to simplify and focus. I still need to check email and messages and do the smaller tasks … but I can lump them together at certain times of the day, and clear space for big chunks of focus and meaningful work. This intention isn’t always met, but the inquiry brings me closer to it. QUESTION 2: What do I want to focus on? This isn’t a question many people ask themselves each day. Ideally, you’d ask it at the beginning of each day, but also at various points throughout the day. It shifts you: you go from, “What should I check right now” or “What can I quickly do right now?” to “What is the meaningful work I want to do now and give my full focus to?” In other words, what do I care deeply about? What kind of dent do I want to make in the world, and how can I start to make that dent right now? It shifts from saying yes to your million things and messages, to saying no to those million things … so you can say yes to your meaningful work. So you can say yes to complete focus and mindfulness. QUESTION 3: Why am I not focusing on it? If you picked something to focus on and you’re working on it, great! But if you’re not … why not? What’s getting in your way? What are you afraid of? What are you comforting yourself with? If you can identify the fear, instead of allowing yourself to habitually run from this fear … lean into it. Go towards it. Allow yourself to feel the fear, and stay in it, befriend it. Then go into your focus zone, in the middle of the fear, and let the fear be your guide and your friend. It means you are alive, that you are pushing yourself into discomfort for the sake of what you care deeply about, that you are creating meaningful work instead of running. Beautiful! QUESTION 5: What is my intention as I focus? As you get started with a focused session, even if it’s only for 10-20 minutes … it helps to ritualize it. Have a clear beginning, and even a clear end. What will you do to mark the beginning? Maybe stretch, smile at your work, and set an intention. An intention isn’t a goal, but how you want to go about doing the task … for example, I might say, “I want to stay focused on this task, put myself into this uncertainty for the sake of the people I care about and serve, and stay present in the middle of it.” Keep this intention in your heart as you put yourself into this focus session. QUESTION 6: What is this moment like, as I work in stillness? Now you’re in the middle of the focus session … bring mindfulness to that task. That’s simply a matter of awareness and curiosity. Bring awareness by asking: what is it like right now? What sensations can I notice? How does my heart feel as I take this gorgeous action, filled with uncertainty? Bring curiosity when you feel like switching tasks and running … by asking, “I want to run from uncertainty, but what would it be like to stay?” The truth is, we don’t know. We think we know that we won’t like it, but actually we don’t really know until it happens. So take the curiosity stance: seek to find out. Come to this task with an open mind, and you might find a gentle wonder that you didn’t expect, in the middle of your meaningful work. Now, you can do this for your meaningful work, but you can also do this for any task – responding to an email, answering a text message, reading an article online, contemplating

Yesterday a loved one asked me about dealing with anger – he lashed out at someone he loves in a way that hurt her and filled him with shame and regret. I think we can all relate to this – most of us have lashed out in anger and regretted it later. We all get angry, but we often deal with it in different ways. Some people constantly lash out in frustration at others, or stew about it and complain about it to people they talk to. Some people repress their anger, with the idea that they should never feel anger, that anger is not safe for others or themselves. Others seethe and seethe quietly, until finally they explode. Some of us do all three. We all get angry. The question is, how do we get better at dealing with that anger? I’m going to share some strategies that have worked for me. I have purposely tried to get better at dealing with anger, and while I am not perfect, I’ve come a long way. I don’t often yell at my kids anymore, for example, even though I used to yell at them in anger and even spank them. Now I can catch the frustration much sooner, and have found strategies that help me calm down, find compassion, even talk to them with understanding and love. Before we get into the strategies, let’s understand what’s happening when we get angry. What’s Going on When We’re Angry When we get angry, it’s usually because someone else behaved in a way we don’t like. (It could also be our own actions, or just the situation in general, that we don’t like.) This is what happens: So the initial aversion and pain are unavoidable, and even the anger, frustration and irritation are pretty unavoidable (though you can learn to catch them earlier). It’s human. The part we can work on is noticing the story and not spinning it around in our heads to prolong and even increase the anger. Understanding the Story The story that we spin around in our heads is a natural thing for humans – we create stories to understand the world around us, or to put things in some kind of order we can work with. In these types of situations, the story might be, “She’s always (doing something), I don’t know why she has to keep doing that, etc etc.” Or, “I don’t know why he has to criticize me, I was just trying to (insert some kind of justified action).” We’ve all done this, even if we’re not always aware we’re doing it. The story is not that useful most of the time. It actually makes us angrier, and separates us from people we care about. It makes us unhappy, traps us in an emotion that isn’t helpful, and worsens our relationships. Once we’re hooked by the story, it can spin around in our heads for a long time. Hours sometimes. Even days. It just keeps freshening our wound. You can start to notice the story the next time you’re frustrated, hurt, angry, irritated, resentful, stressed. Just listen to what you’re saying about the other person or the situation you’re in. Just start to become aware of this story you keep replaying. A Fresh Way to Deal with Anger Whenever we’re angry (or frustrated, resentful, etc.), we can go into our old patterns of anger and telling the story … or we can start to try something new. Here’s what I recommend practicing: With this fresh response, we’re opening up to the wide open nature of this moment, not needing to harden into our old stories. We interrupt our conditioned, habitual response, and choose a new path, one that is less harmful. And in this moment of openness, we can now try this: We normally respond anger, out of proportion to the actual situation. But now we might be able to take a more appropriate, compassionate action (or non-action, as the case might require). We will mess up on this practice, by the way. As with anything, we get better with continued practice. When we find that we can’t open up to the feeling, that we can’t stop from spinning around our stories … we can practice with that. We can see the feeling of helplessness, of despair, of frustration with ourselves, of giving up … and practice the method above on that feeling itself. With each screw up, with each time we’re not able to open up … we have a new opportunity to practice. Another chance opens up, again and again, to heal ourselves and to get better at dealing with this hardened emotion.

There is a concept in Japanese tea ceremony, roughly translated as “one chance in a lifetime,” or “one lifetime, one meeting.” It’s such a beautiful idea: any meeting you have with someone is unique, fleeting, and will never happen again, even if you see this person every day. What would life be like if we could learn this kind of deep appreciation for any moment? I notice myself often in a hurry for something I want to happen right away. I want it to be fully finished, yesterday. I’m overlooking the incredible moment that’s happening right now. I notice myself frustrated with other people, even if I don’t want to admit that frustration. I want the other person to be different than they are, want them to change. I’m missing out on the beauty of being with this person just as they are. I notice myself wanting to rush around doing things, and wanting to fill every moment with distractions, productive actions, busyness. I’m missing an opportunity for stillness, for stopping and just being in the beauty of the present moment. I often seem to think (without realizing it) that there is some special moment in life that is coming, that will be more special than life is right now. What I forget is that life doesn’t get more special than what’s happening right now. This here, this moment happening right now … this is the moment of a lifetime.

There are a number of times when our mind clings to something tightly, and it is rarely helpful: In all of these cases, and more, our minds are fixed in a certain viewpoint, and we often judge others. We complain. We are attached to what we want and what we don’t want. It leads to stress. Unhappiness. Anger. Righteousness. Being judgmental. Distancing ourselves from others. Closed-offedness. And it leads to being closed off to the beauty of this moment, as it is, full of openness and possibilities. If you’d like to work on letting go, I would like to offer a simple practice. The Practice of Letting Go You can actually practice this all day long, because even if we don’t realize it, we’re clinging and hardening and fixing upon viewpoints all day long. Here’s how to practice: It’s that simple. And of course, it takes a lot of practice. You can do this at any moment, but it’s helpful to have a short time of day when you set a reminder and then take a few moments to sit still and practice with whatever you’ve been clinging to today. When we practice like this, we are shifting from our habitual patterns of self-concern and shutting out all possibilities, to openness and not-knowing, to unlimited possibilities and seeing the breath-taking beauty of the world in front of us.

When most people try to start a new habit — like exercise, meditation, waking early, journaling — they tend to try to go as hard as they can. And in doing so, they set themselves up for failure. I have a friend who wanted to start running, for example. Every time they ran, they would do it as fast as they could, so they were always really winded. That’s Too Fast, Too Soon (title of my new action movie franchise). It’ll lead to failure for most people. Another person I talked to wanted to start waking up at 5am, two hours earlier than they were usually awake. They said they were worried they wouldn’t be able to stick to it for long. I agreed: you could probably do it for a few days, but you’ll crash and burn, most likely. Now, going hardcore is possible, if you dedicate your entire life to this one change, and reduce all other commitments and stressors. You’d have to set up a lot of structure and support to make it work. But your odds of long term success go way down, just like a crash diet. So I always recommend starting small. But there’s a more sophisticated technique, that I call “autoregulation” (borrowed from biology) that I’d like to share with you. Here’s how it works, in brief: If you follow this autoregulation method, you’ll make your habit easier when it’s needed, and make it more difficult when you have the capability to handle it. Some days, you’re just busy, or tired, or stressed. On those days, take a break. Then come back the next day with a decreased habit goal (exercise 2 minutes shorter, wake 5 minutes later, etc.) to make it easier on yourself. Some days, you have lots of energy and focus. On those days, it’s entirely appropriate to get to continue to increase the habit, slowly. Using this method, you’ll increase your habit slowly, at a pace that’s appropriate for your capacity. If your body can’t handle increasing the exercise, take a break and then come back with an easier target. This time-based approach works for a lot of habits: meditation, journaling, writing, learning a language. It doesn’t work as well if you’re changing your diet, but you can still use the same principles: slowly move closer to your target eating pattern each day, but give yourself breaks and slow down your progress as needed. If you’re trying to procrastinate less, this can work too — start a daily habit of doing short focus sessions (start with 10 minutes, once a day) and increase by 10 minutes as long as you’re able to stick to the plan. For example, on Day 2, do a 20-minute focus session. On Day 3, do one 10-minute focus session and one 20-minute focus session. On Day 4, do two 20-minute focus sessions. Keep adding 10 minutes as long as you stick to it. If on Day 5 you don’t do the focus sessions, decrease by 10 minutes on Day 6. At some point, you should stop increasing — perhaps when you get to your goal (waking at 5am, exercising for 40 minutes a day, etc.). But it’s possible your goal will change as you do this, and you can find the level that’s right for you to stop increasing through this method of slow change. So that’s the autoregulation method for changing habits. It’s a compassionate approach that’s meant to increase your odds of long-term success. Give it a shot!

Today I’m feeling sore and tired from hard strength workouts, playing lots of basketball, and doing a hill sprint session yesterday with my son. I’ve been working out hard, and I’m really feeling it! So I’m going to take some rest and recovery time. Anyone who is into fitness knows the hidden value of recovery: this is when we actually get stronger. The workout is important, but recovery is arguably even more important, because that’s when our body rebuilds itself into something strong. Without it, we will burn out or get injured. This applies not just to fitness, but everywhere in our lives: with work, learning, relationships, and more. It’s great to do the work — but if you’re not giving yourself adequate rest, or time to recover, you’re going to grind yourself into the ground. It’s much worse for your long-term progress. If you want to get better at focusing on hard tasks … you have to give yourself time when you don’t have to focus. Otherwise your ability to focus get worse, from constantly trying to focus. If you want to get better at dealing with chaos and uncertainty and discomfort … you have to face those things, but you also have to give yourself a break where you get to have comfort and security. Otherwise you deteriorate your ability to face discomfort. If you want to become more productive, or better at studying things … you have to give yourself time when you don’t have to be productive, or don’t have to be studying hard. Otherwise you will become less productive over time, or worse at being able to study. If you want to show up for your partner with a sense of love and intimacy … you have to have times when you take space away from intimacy, when you can take a break from having to love someone, and just be. Otherwise you’ll be less able to be open with them, and more burdened and resentful about them. So take a moment to assess yourself: where do you need more rest? Are you feeling worn down, with a diminished capacity? And how can you take responsibility for getting the nourishing and replenishing rest that you need, in order to show up more fully over the long run? Btw, next week Wednesday (Aug. 14), my friend and simplicity expert ​Courtney Carver of Be More with Less​ is teaching a workshop related to this topic, for my ​Fearless Living Academy​, called 3 Gentle Seasons. She’ll teach us practices to overcome chronic overwhelm, cultivate self-compassion, and find permission to do less, and how to let go of doing it all, to live with less stress and more ease, less overwhelm and more joy, and more!

I challenge you to do a test before you read the rest of this post (well OK, read the next two paragraphs then go do the challenge) … Open an email that’s been sitting in your inbox but that you’ve been avoiding responding to or acting on. Pick the hardest one. Try to sit there, read the email, and then act on it and/or respond to it. Then notice if there’s a moment when you want to just get away from that email. What does that moment feel like? This moment of overwhelm and anxiety is usually invisible to most of us. It happens multiple times throughout the day (possibly dozens), and determines the actions we take or don’t take. But we rarely notice it — we just try to get away from it. This is the moment that ruins our focus. It’s the moment that causes our procrastination and avoidance. It’s the moment that ruins our best habits and our best intentions. It’s a moment that has a feeling we don’t want to feel. In fact, we’ll often spend a lot of our time trying to avoid that feeling. It feels too hard to feel. We might have even set up a large part of our lives so that we don’t have to feel it — our lives are designed around that kind of feeling, to avoid it. For example, if you feel that feeling when you talk in front of a group, you might have set up your life so you never have to talk in front of a group. If socializing with strangers gives you that feeling, you might have a life where you don’t have to do that. If you get the feeling when you share your creative work with others, then you might have a life where you never have to do that. You get the picture. That’s all fine — you don’t have to change your life. But if you’d like to not have to avoid the feeling, and you’d like to create amazing focus and the ability not to avoid your most meaningful work … read on. The main thing is to let yourself feel the feeling, whenever you notice it. If you can do that repeatedly, as a training, you’ll get much better at it, and the feeling becomes much less of a big deal. So first, notice when the moment comes — when you’re feeling the thing that is overwhelming and that you want to get away from. It might be because of a difficult or scary task, an upcoming event or meeting or trip, a difficult conversation or a frustrating person, an email or message you don’t want to read. Just try to catch the moment when it’s happening. When you notice it, pause. Just sit for a few seconds, and breathe deeper and more slowly. Let yourself calm down for a minute, and just be with the feeling. That means to give it your attention and not to turn away from it, just for a few seconds. If it’s too intense, get up and walk around. Shake it off. Distract yourself. Then you might try again, just for a few seconds. Maybe do that 2-3 times if you feel up to it. No need to push yourself too far. If you practice this several times a day, you’ll get better at it. If you do it 10 times a day, you’ll get better even faster. Soon, you’ll be able to stay with it for 15 seconds, 30 seconds, a minute. Then longer. You’ll grow your capacity to be with this moment. Then everything becomes possible.